


The Last of Us: Fart Two: Joel's Last Quest of Us

by fropdop



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Gen, Giraffes, Onion Rings, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:22:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24995320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fropdop/pseuds/fropdop
Summary: Joel wakes up from a horrible nightmare and realizes he must save the world's onion rings with Ellie, Tommy Nukem, and an unexpected friend from the past.The Last of Us: Fart Two, is an alternate vision for The Last of Us II's original story, a complete rewriting that features 98% less misery and 99% more giraffes.
Kudos: 3





	The Last of Us: Fart Two: Joel's Last Quest of Us

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on Fanfiction.net: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13629415/1/The-Last-of-Us-Fart-Two-Joel-s-Last-Quest-of-Us

**The Last of Us: Fart Two: Joel's Last Quest of Us.**

* * *

The Last of Us: Fart Two takes place 5 minutes after the first game.

Joel and Ellie are on a roadtrip to Zombie Expo 2069 but on the way, they see a hitchhiker. This hitchhiker turns out to be Abby, the daughter of the doctor that Joel repeatedly kneeled in the dick and balls as revealed through a 20-minute flashback of Joel kicking a bunch of doctors in the dick and balls at the end of the first game. For some reason, Abby finds out that Joel was the man that kneeled her father in the dick and balls.

"It's you, the man behind the slaughter", Abby said. In a violent act of revenge, Abby pulls out a golf club from her Terraria golf cart nearby and smacks Joel in the nuts with it, causing Joel to wake up from a horrible nightmare in his bedroom.

Joel gets up from his bed and looks around his bedroom. There are weed and bongs all over Joel's bedroom. It is revealed that all of the events of the first game were just Joel's bong binge nightmares all along and that Ellie was Joel's real daughter this whole time. Joel rolls up in a ball and cries because he believed he had another daughter, Sarah, that died in the first game.

Joel also realizes he's getting a divorce and thus, Joel finally decides to pursue his lifelong quest of making Ellie happy by getting her a bag of funyuns. However, it turns out that zombies are real and there is a terrible shortage of funyuns in the world. Perhaps Joel was not having another bong-induced nightmare this whole time.

Joel takes his dual super soakers and tries to save the world, restoring funyuns to the natural world order one zombie at a time. Joel believes that his quest to save the world's supply of funyuns will restore his jaded and broken friendship with his daughter Ellie, but Ellie believes that the cycle of revenge must stop. Ellie believes that zombies must be forgiven for destroying the world's funyuns supply.

Joel nearly has a change of heart until suddenly, a man breaks through the wall of Joel's house. This man is revealed to be Joel's long-lost younger brother, Tommy. But it also turns out that Tommy in the real world is actually a heavily-armed cigar smoking macho badass with sunglasses known as Tommy Miller Nukem, or Duke Nukem.

Duke Nukem humbly asks Joel to help him take back the "funyun babes" that the "zombie bastards" stole from the Earth. Joel delightfully agrees and puts on some sunglasses right before giving a strong muscle-buffed handshake with Duke Nukem like that one scene in Predator. "IT'S TIME TO CHEW ASS AND KICK ASS, AND I'M ALL OUTTA ASS", Duke Nukem said. This also causes Ellie to change her mind and side with Joel for the first time again in many years.

Joel and Ellie form a team with Duke Nukem, called Ten Million Fireflies, to restore peace back to the world's funyun supply. Joel, Ellie, and Duke Nukem begin their quest and head to a nearby McDonald's filled with funyun munching zombies. Joel's group kills all the zombies and frees all the starving survivors. This is the first in a line of missions that Joel's group undergoes throughout the world to save its funyun supply.

* * *

Joel, Ellie, and Duke Nukem fully continue their campaign to restore balance throughout the world at full speed as they travel city by city, purging every single zombie present. However, during the 69th mission in Seattle, Ellie accidentally kills one of Duke Nukem's "funyun babes" by hitting her shins with her Super Soaker via an unskippable non-interactable cutscene.

That is the pivotal moment when the game's themes start to shine. The Last of Us Fart Two begins to ask, are we terrible people for truly deserving funyuns when there are also other options for onion rings out there? Perhaps you, the player, are responsible for the world's shortage of funyun supplies.

Duke Nukem also begins getting philosophical after Ellie's accident and asks "Damn, are we terrible people for wanting more funyuns?" Ellie realizes that everything they've done thus far might have been wrong this whole time.

All hope is lost until the Giraffe that Joel and Ellie petted in the first game suddenly appears in the distance. The Giraffe is revealed to actually have a name, Giraffe Johnson, and has come back to Joel and Ellie to return the favor for petting him in the first game. The Group is finally happy once again after seeing Giraffe Johnson return from the first game. Joel happily tells Giraffe Johnson that the group will take a break as it is now up to Giraffe Johnson to save the world.

It is also revealed that Joel has been developing fatal arthritis in a flashback that takes place during the first game's ending after he kicks the doctor in the nuts repeatedly and when he carries Ellie to the car.

Suddenly, a long stairway leading into the sky appears in front of the group and Joel walks towards the stairs as they notice it. As he approaches the stairs, Joel says to the group "My time has come… Giraffe Johnson, the fate of the world's onion rings rests in your hands… "

Joel decides that it is finally time for him to rest, his time on Earth is up, and walks through the long heavenly stairway. Ellie begins to sob and Duke Nukem attempts to calm her down.

Before Joel takes one last step into the heavens, he lists one final request to his people: "Change the world, my final message. Goodbye..."

Joel then goes into a T-pose, lays his arms out while walking, and closes his eyes with a blissful smile on his face. Suddenly, a mass of peach blossoms in the air fly through Joel's body and _Yi Jian Mei_ begins to play in the background throughout the whole scene. Ellie, Duke Nukem, and Giraffe Johnson all watch emotionally as Joel begins to float from the stairs in a Christ-like pose. Each second, Joel turns less visible as more peach blossoms flow around him. Joel slowly ascends into the heavens through the stream of peach blossoms, just like the scene in Kung Fu Panda where Master Oogway fades away.

When Joel finally disappears completely into the sky, Ellie sheds one last tear as her beloved father is finally gone from the Earth. With Joel's final message being heard, Ellie and Duke Nukem know that Giraffe Johnson is the true chosen one who can restore balance to the world. Ellie passes down Joel's guitar gift to Giraffe Johnson while Duke Nukem gives him all his guns, weapons, and babes.

The rest of the game is played from the perspective of Giraffe Johnson, who now must save the world while it is on the brink of an onion ring shortage apocalypse.

Giraffe Johnson's final mission involves storming the nearby target, which is filled with zombies and clickers led by Giraffe Johnson's archrival, Deer Dickson. Deer Dickson is revealed to the son of the deer that Ellie killed in the first game via a flashback.

* * *

In the events of the first game, Deer Dickson had a Bambi moment as Ellie hunted down its deer mother. In that moment, Deer Dickson vowed to take revenge on Ellie for killing his mother, so he struck a deal with the clickers to kill Ellie's mom.

In the present day, Giraffe Johnson and Deer Dickson confront each other in the abandoned target parking lot. Ellie and Duke Nukem are watching from a distance as they walk towards eachother menacingly. As Giraffe Johnson and Deer Dickson finally stand face to face with each other in a minute long staring contest, Deer Dickson asks "remember your wife Giraffe Johnson?" Suddenly, another flashback occurs to the events of the first game.

Hours after Joel and Ellie finished petting Giraffe Johnson, his wife Giraffe Gina, comes back home from a long day of fighting zombie giraffes. However, Deer Dickson and his clicker henchmen arrive at Giraffe Johnson's home to interrogate him for Ellie's location, knowing that Giraffe Johnson had met Ellie. Deer Dickson orders his clicker henchmen to kill Giraffe Johnson's wife by kicking her out the window. Giraffe Johnson lies and spits in Deer Dickson's face for killing his wife. Deer Dickson kicks Giraffe Johnson in the nuts and knocks him out.

Days later, Giraffe Johnson begins waking up from a painful coma until he sees a figure approaching him in the distance. This figure is revealed to be Duke Nukem. Duke Nukem was the one responsible for saving Giraffe Johnson's life after he was abandoned.

In another flashback, Deer Dickson and Giraffe Johnson are revealed to have a long history, they were former ROOMMATES. But Giraffe Johnson had to cut ties with him after Deer Dickson would not do the dishes for the twentieth time in a row.

The game returns back to Giraffe Johnson's flashback where he is being saved by Duke Nukem. After Duke Nukem saved Giraffe Johnson's life, Giraffe Johnson took a vow to become as badass as Duke Nukem. Giraffe Johnson became Duke Nukem's protege in zombie ass kicking. Duke Nukem had taught Giraffe Johnson how to fight, how to use his guns, how to use his fists, and how to sing. Eventually, Giraffe Johnson became so powerful that he surpassed his newly found mentor, Duke Nukem, which caused Duke Nukem to shed a tear through his sunglasses.

Back in the present day with Giraffe Johnson and Deer Dickson facing each other head on, Giraffe Johnson looks to his former master who has taught him everything, Duke Nukem. Giraffe Johnson and Duke Nukem both smile at each other happily right before Giraffe Johnson begins screaming into the sky and powering up. Duke Nukem, Ellie, Deer Dickson and his clickers watch in fear as they witness Giraffe Johnson becoming something powerful.

After 20 seconds of screaming, Giraffe Johnson reaches his ultimate form, SUPER GIRAFFE JOHNSON. In a matter of seconds, Super Giraffe Johnson wipes out Deer Dickson's army of zombies and clickers by scaring them away.

* * *

Now it is the final battle that can decide the fate of the world, Super Giraffe Johnson and Deer Dickson begin exchanging many punches and fists at each other.

This is it, this is the battle that can truly restore balance back to the world.

This is the battle that can restore the world's onion ring supply.

However, Super Giraffe Johnson makes a freak mistake that causes him to slip. This suddenly gives Deer Dickson the upper hand. Deer Dick then kicks Super Giraffe Johnson in the Super Giraffe Johnsons repeatedly for 20 seconds.

Could this be it?

Could this be how the world ends? With a deer destroying all of its onion rings?

Giraffe Johnson is defeated.

He is starting to black out.

Duke Nukem is shocked that his former student is going out like this.

Ellie is crying as Joel has died in vain, that both her heroes have fallen.

All hope is lost...

Lost...

That is...

UNTIL

LIGHT SHINES DOWN FROM ABOVE.

A FIGURE DESCENDS DOWN FROM THE HEAVENS.

WHO COULD THIS BE?

ITS JOEL.

JOEL HAS COME BACK FOR ONE LAST TIME.

JOEL IS BACK, HE HAS ONE LAST MESSAGE TO DELIVER TO SUPER GIRAFFE JOHNSON.

"Use the Force, Giraffe Johnson! You are the only one who can restore balance to the force!" Joel's heavenly spirit tells Giraffe Johnson before imbuing Super Giraffe Johnson with all of his heavenly might. Super Giraffe Johnson gets back from the ground once more, now powered by the mighty heavenly force powers of the fallen Joel.

"You bucked with the wrong Giraffe this time, Dick." Super Giraffe Johnson tells Deer Dickson. Super Giraffe Johnson is now channeling the combined might of Joel, along with the heavenly power of other fallen mighty warriors and comrades. Crash Bandicoot. Sullivan from Uncharted. Jak and Daxter. That One Ninja with Eyeliner from Way of the Warrior.

Super Giraffe Johnson charges up one last time… Slowly turning into SUPER ULTRA MEGA GIRAFFE JOHNSON...

He screams into the night sun for 5 minutes...

And then finally…

"Bro, you just posted cringe..." Super Ultra Giraffe Johnson whispers to Deer Dickson…

Right before Super Ultra Mega Giraffe Johnson delivers ONE POWERFUL FINAL CRUSHING BLOW TO DEER DICKSON.

A HUGE EXPLOSION GOES OFF IN THE TARGET PARKING LOT.

ELLIE AND DUKE NUKEM ARE SHIELDING THEMSELVES FROM THE SHEER MIGHT AND POWER.

THE BURST OF POWER GOES ON FOR WHAT SEEMS TO BE ETERNITY.

And then, the power of the explosion begins to slow down.

The dust begins to settle.

And then, silence...

Ellie and Duke Nukem put their arms down to reveal a fallen Giraffe Johnson.

Color is fading back into the world once again.

Onion Rings are falling from the sky.

Peace has been restored to the world.

The zombies and clickers are no more. Giraffe Johnson's people walk the Earth again.

Deer Dickson is gone and nowhere to be found.

Giraffe Johnson has won. Joel's final wishes are honored.

Ellie runs up to Giraffe Johnson's lifeless body. Ellie sobbingly tries to wake up Giraffe Johnson, but to no avail. Duke Nukem pulls out an entire box of tissues in an attempt to comfort Ellie.

But suddenly, two figures descend from the heavens once more.

Spirit Joel is present once more, along with Giraffe Johnson's spirit this time. Joel and Giraffe Johnson both decide it is time to pass on their legacy. It is now up to Ellie to continue their great legacy.

"Remember who you are. The world is yours now. You must continue your journey… You must believe...", Joel's spirit tells Ellie from above before he fades into the heavens for one final time with Giraffe Johnson… Ellie's destiny is clear.

The torch has been passed on.

Ellie must now take the title of Giraffe Johnson.

Ellie will be there. She will be there when the world will need Giraffe Johnson again.

Ellie from this point forward will now be known as...

Giraffe…

ELLIE.

**THE LAST OF US FART TWO.**

**FIN.**

* * *

In an after credits scene, Duke Nukem is seen singing karaoke at a bar. He is singing Bakamitai. As he is singing, the game zooms into a photograph on his table.

It is a photograph of Duke Nukem and the gang. Joel, Ellie, Giraffe Johnson...

...and Gordon Freeman?

The screen finally fades…

* * *

_To be continued?_


End file.
